My stupid cat's name is Lunchmeat. I am sure you agree this is a stupid name for a stupid cat.

Lunchmeat is a black cat with a white tummy and a lack of brains. Apparently his parents weren't too sure what kind of cat they were making. Probably his mama was a Himalayan and his father was an ink-stain. The doctor must have said congratulations Mr and Mrs Cat, you now have a baby Zebra.

Just before you decide that's false, think about zebras. Only two animals are dumb enough to try to hide just by holding still. Neither of them is highly successful at it (but don't tell the zebras that).

It's actually shocking that Evolution coughed up the feline. Darwin wouldn't have proposed it had he been a cat owner and discovered how utterly useless cats truly are. Observe what Lunchmeat does with 90% of his day: He sits there. Maybe he thinks he's a Sphinx.

Yes, I have a stupid sphinx for a cat. You can even distract him with a pen for a little bit, but he immediately goes back to sphinx-mode after. Notice how the laundry basket, a simple, yet powerful innovation, pens him completely. He can't seem to figure out how to get out of it. Lunchmeat bites my hand in frustration. He does not like laundry baskets. Tip the laundry basket and he gratefully escapes to safety.

It took me a little while to figure out how to scan him: I had to jettison the idea of using a hand scanner. Notice how much clearer it comes out when I use a flatbed scanner instead. Notice how Lunchmeat appears to have 3 feet. That's because he is trying to run.

I now have a hole in my thumb the size of Lunchmeat's tooth. Lunchmeat will bite the hand that feeds him if it's convenient. He will bite a hand if it's inconvenient too, which explains why cats don't get to run convenience stores. Right now he is hiding under my bed and won't come out. I can easily trick him into coming out by hiding the laundry basket, however, upon realizing that he has been duped, Lunchmeat is likely to become vicious. I suppose I could give him catnip. I could even give him grass that was disguised to look like catnip: He's fallen for that one too.